Tuesday Blues

Okay, so this should have really been posted yesterday but I was way too busy to even get online! Or maybe I just forgot. I'm in a million places lately.

Monday night is when I usually post my responses to my classmates in my class. I'd planned to finish reading the assigned chapters, post my comments, take a shower at 9PM and be in bed at 9:30 by the latest. I got to bed at 10:30 PM and I didn't get to take that shower. So I ended up taking my shower on Tuesday morning because frankly, I really needed it. LOL Unfortunately, I took way too long in the shower because the hot water felt sooooo good. So I'm running a bit late and for some reason I am having a bad body day. Okay, hold up, hold up. My bad body day started on Sunday because I recently came off my wheat-free vegan diet and promptly went to Sweet Tomatoes (Souplantation for you west coasters) and ate a big salad with some cheese and ranch dressing. It wasn't really all that much. But I guess it was enough to send my tummy into shock. So on this Tuesday morning, everything that I tried on seemed to accentuate my tummy. I looked 6 months pregnant in everything. And since I'm the busy little college student I hadn't had time to do laundry in about two weeks so my only pair of fat pants were in the laundry...dirty. I raked through my closet and saw an old pair of fat pants I hadn't worn in years so these would be my really fat pants. Threw them on along with a blue t-shirt. That's when I realized that there is a hole on each inner thigh. Being as I don't have time to search for any more fat pants I make the decision to wear them anyways just making sure my legs stay closed at all times (mom would be so proud). I still look pregnant with the t-shirt so I decide I have to wear a sweater. Where's my good sweater?!?! No time to find it so I grab the only black sweater I can find. It's my ratty black sweater I wear around the house.

Onto my hair. No time for the InStyler so my natural schizophrenic hair will have to do. I call it schizophrenic because it has two personalities. Technically it suffers more from MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) but schizophrenic hair sounds so much more interesting than MPD hair. My dad has dark straight hair. My mom has blonde wavy hair. So my DNA decided to mix and match by taking one trait from dad and pairing it with one trait from my mom. The result=dark wavy hair underneath and straight blonde hair on the top. They NEVER match! I either have to make the top layer wavy to match the bottom or straighten out the bottom to match the top. InStyler gives me the best of both worlds but it takes some time. So being pressed for time, I just style the bangs and off I go to work.

Socks. I need socks. Again, the laundry dilemma seems painfully apparent. I grab two very different black socks (one an anklet and one of calf height) and figure "no one is gonna see them anyways." Wouldn't you know that that is the day a girl asks me about my ankle tattoo and why I don't have any tattoos on the other ankle (it's because I have scars on that one due to surgeries where they put metal in there...Heather go boom boom once upon a time). So of course she had to see my socks!

The day was way worse...but for legal reasons we won't get into that. :)

The Vegan Experience

So I decided to become a vegan for 8 weeks starting January 2010. Not just vegan, but wheat-free as well. I had been upset with my efforts at weight loss and figured this would jumpstart things. In the months before my decision, I’d watched “You Are What You Eat” with that awful Gillian McKeith. I had no idea why I wanted to listen to her. She was judgmental and mean yet her clients all lost about 2 stone (24 lbs) in an 8 week period of time. So I figured what did I have to lose? Hopefully 24 pounds!

I did a lot of research regarding the various fruits and vegetables, vitamins and minerals. But part of my problem was that I am a really picky eater. Even though my taste buds have been opening up in my thirty-fourth year, I am still selective about what I choose to eat. So I went into the whole experience vowing to eat more vegetables and trying to find vegan substitutes for the foods that I liked. I experimented with wheat-free, dairy-free macaroni and cheese. I also tried wheat-free, dairy-free lasagna and cookies. Some stuff I liked and other stuff was disgusting.

The first day wasn’t so hard. I was happy with the smoothies, soy burgers, and nuts. By the second week I kept smelling meat and chicken broth that no one else could smell. Also during this time, I started craving the pepperoni pizzas my roommate made on a nightly basis (this is no joke…every night). I don’t even like pepperoni but I swore that I was going to order one as soon as this experience was over.

At the beginning of the third week, I’d discovered these delicious wheat-free, dairy-free cookies. They were really good! Especially the chocolate chip kind. But I’m still craving the meat and dairy that I used to eat. There are really good substitutes for some things, but other things just can’t measure. As I type this, one roommate’s delivery pizza from Papa John’s arrived. The scent of cheese, pepperoni, green peppers, and dough waft over and envelop me. I feel like tackling him to the ground and eating every last bit of that pizza. Gorge myself. Mmmmmm…


Weeks four through five were really rough. I was getting tired of this regime and frankly, while I was still technically a vegan, I started venturing into the junk food side of things. I loved salt and vinegar potato chips, and experimented with candy that was vegan. As a result, I didn't lose quite as much as I wanted to. But still, 15 pounds in 8 weeks isn't too bad for a woman over 30. And so many times I wanted to cave. So many times I was a grouch because I wanted to eat "real" food. All I needed was a damn sandwich!!! 


Around week 6 I started to freak out. I knew that the time was coming when I could partake of FOOD again and it was coming fast. Would I just go crazy at a buffet and gain the hard won 15 lbs back on again in one sitting? I started to evaluate myself and what I'd learned on this whole journey. Of course with some good talks with Sara, I determined that I needed a step-down process. I devised a plan that I would become a vegetarian for a week. Then add fish the next, follow it up with chicken the week after that and then finally beef. I don't really eat a lot of pork because it disgusts me so I don't see where I need a plan for that. 


So where does that leave me? Am I going to be a carnivore? Vegetarian? Vegan? I've decided to become a flexitarian. I'd decided at the beginning of this adventure that I would only consider giving up a food if there was a vegan equivalent that tasted just as good. Milk--Vanilla Almond Milk is DELISH! Cheese--no good substitute and I won't give it up. Beef--MorningStar Garden Burgers are really tasty but I won't give up beef altogether. 

The ultimate lesson I learned--salads SUCK when there isn't any cheese or chicken on them. So perhaps I'll eat more salads now apres-vegan than I did while vegan!            

The Black Eyed Peas Concert

The Black Eyed Peas concert, E.N.D. (Energy Never Dies) was pretty awesome! Looking at the seat placement ahead of time, I figured that the seats weren’t going to be all that great. It was sort of the side view of the stage. But hey, beggars can’t be choosers! Plus, they were a lot better than the seats I’d had approximately 10 years ago for the Billy Joel/Elton John concert in the same arena. That time, I was behind the stage and way up in the nosebleed section. This was a whole level lower and from the side. Score!

LMFAO and Ludacris started the show off.  LMFAO wasn’t all that great. They apparently started off on MTV’s The Real World, deejaying their parties and such. They were mildly entertaining. Ludacris came on and the crowd went wild. I’m not all that familiar with Ludacris’ music but it was crazy hilarious to watch all these white people trying to dance to his music like they were crunk or something. The funniest group was a group of three girls that later turned into five girls. The first three girls dressed like they were going to the club. And while I’m not a good judge of age, I figured that they were college students but not old enough to drink just yet. One girl was very pretty but seemed really shy. She was standing but not really dancing like her cohorts. The second was pretty as well but did not know how to wear a dress to a concert. It was strapless so every time she sat down it would pull down, exposing her bra. The third was dancing as if she were at a bar and trying to attract the guys. To give further proof that she thought she was at a bar, she was sporting a tight tank top and her belly was pooching out suggesting that she’d had a steady diet of beer. I’m not one to talk. I’ve certainly enjoyed a beer here and there. But I do not let my “pooch” hang out in public! To add to this, she seemed like she was drunk, probably drinking at home before the show. She fell asleep halfway through the Black Eyed Peas portion of the concert. I cannot fathom falling asleep amidst all that noise. Guess she was pretty wasted. Then the other two girls showed up. One was pretty uninteresting but the other, was wearing a baseball cap backwards and when she would lean forward you could see she was sportin’ a serious whale tale. And this particular girl kept tentatively trying to touch the other girl. At one point she put her hand up into her hair and rubbed her neck, which the other girl shrugged off.

At this point, we decide that we’ll have a better vantage point and more room if we move over to the section that hadn’t been sold for the concert. We could stretch out, put our feet up, and not have to view the concert through the sorority girls’ butt shakes. The concert was amazing. The four members have so much talent! Listening to will.i.am rap as fast as a locomotive was impressive. But their songs are just genius, too. Fergie’s outfits are interesting to say the least.

The whole set had a futuristic feel. This made me realize…that futuristic stuff scares the crap out of me. Robots, talking green faces on a monitor announcing what’s going to happen next, and dancers in unitards that cover their faces in a geometric pattern scare me silly. I bought the CD and cannot look at the cover. I have no idea why. I saw a robot at the State Fair this past fall that would sing songs and dance around. My first reaction was “oh cool! Look at that thing!” But when I got up close to it my reaction quickly changed to “oh my God, get that thing away from before it crushes the life out of me!!” I’m sure that if anything close to iRobot happened, I’d totally be on Will Smith’s side of things. Ain’t no way I’d be able to trust a robot living in my home, waiting on me hand and foot, knowing all my secrets. It would freak me out.

The Robot from the Fair that scared me.

So…that was my Friday night. Nothing but a rocking concert mixed with a little terror. Good thing I had those far away seats…

Can ya believe I hadn't had anything to drink that night?? I look totally drunk.

Octomom

I know I'm sort of late on the game here. But you really can't blame me with all I've got going on in my life. I have 14 saved Chelsea Lately's on my DVR. I think I've watched 2 or 3 so far today. So I'm catching up. The episode I'm on right now talks about Octomom's new bikini body. How is this possible? Consider the before pictures...

This tummy is HUGE! Not to mention all the stretch marks and veins she's sportin there. So how on earth did she end up looking like the picture below WITHOUT plastic surgery (as she claims)?

Chelsea Handler makes the observation that her bellybutton looks like a coin slot. I wonder what would happen if you slipped a quarter in there? Would you hit the jackpot but it only pays out in babies??

So I just want to remind Nadya Suleman of one important thing...

World's Greatest Dad

***Spoiler alert!!!***

I don’t cry very often. So it takes a lot to make me cry. The only reason I cried while watching The Notebook was because I was being forced to watch it. But something about Robin Williams being sad makes me well-up something fierce. World’s Greatest Dad, I didn’t have much hopes for. But it turned out to be great. I love me some Robin Williams. He’s a genius! But I don’t think I’ve seen him in enough dramatic roles. This movie displays his acting talent in a whole new light. Perhaps I’ve not watched enough dramatic Robin Williams movies but this was the first time I’d seen him in a sex scene or run through the halls of a school stripping his clothes off and diving into the pool naked. Is this really Robin Williams’ penis we’re seeing??? (I’m guessing it was a stunt penis)

The movie, written and directed by Bobcat Goldthwait, starts off showing us the type of relationship Lance Clayton had with his son Kyle. Kyle is a jerk. He’s disrespectful to his father, treats his best friend like a skycap, and is obsessed with deviant porn. No one likes him at school, either. Lance is an aspiring writer who has had four books rejected. He’s dating a teacher at school but lately she’s been paying attention to someone else. His life isn’t what he thought it would be. He’s starting to feel like a failure, especially when other people succeed on the first try what he’s been trying his whole life to accomplish. Then Kyle dies…while masturbating. And to save him and his son embarrassment, he sets the death up like it’s a suicide and writes a note to go with it. But no one seems to care. His girlfriend, who has always wanted to keep their relationship a secret, is becoming more distant. He has no one to reach out to; no one at the school feels the need to go to grief counseling because of Kyle’s death.

            But then someone decides to publish Kyle’s police report and suicide note in the school newspaper. Suddenly, the whole school makes it absurdly clear just what a bunch of douche bags they are. Seriously, what kind of person gloms on to another person’s grief? Everyone cares about Kyle now. He is the hero of the school. Lance’s once failing poetry class is now always full of kids taking the class just to find out more about Kyle. Kids who were once trying to pass off the lyrics to the Bowie/Mercury tune “Under Pressure” as poems are now capable of long, tortured elegies regarding Kyle. Lance gets inspired and writes a diary under Kyle’s name. This has a chain reaction. He’s almost happy that his work is being distributed even if it isn’t under his own name. He gets invited to be on a national talk show and the school dedicates a day to Kyle. When Lance gets up on stage, he finally can’t take it anymore. He blurts out the truth that Kyle died while masturbating and he is the one who wrote it the diary. Of course, everyone who seemed to care so much about Kyle now is upset with Lance. His girlfriend slaps him and clings to another man, and everyone is angry. But this is the very thing that seems to free Lance. It’s like he was making a huge fool out of everyone, they just didn’t know it. But to me, it was beautiful. None of them actually knew Kyle (except for his best friend) so everyone was idolizing someone just because he died. They never took the time to get to know him while he was alive.

            So bravo Bobcat and Robin…you’ve made me well up like no other. Or perhaps I’m just getting older and more sentimental. Either way, brilliant!